What happens once the fairy tale ends? What happens once the prince takes the princess and they ride off into the sunset? What happens a couple years, months, or even weeks down the road?
Do they actually live happily ever after? Would it be wrong if they did not?
Forever has been my dream ever since I can remember. My parents made a commitment and broke it off. In afraid ill do the same. I can’t be like them. I don’t want to be like them. I want a fairy tale, damn it. I want forever. But I don’t think I can do this. I’m too scared.

I want to be fucking skinny again.

I like going through friends like the year goes through seasons. I don’t think it’s bad at all. I don’t mind meeting new people and forgetting the old. I’m constantly applying a filter in my life and to be honest that keeps me happy and sane. I meet someone, we become close friends. If things don’t go to my liking, I let them go. However there are those I’ve kept around for years again and again.

There’s Lilly who I have known for almost 9 years now. That’s like half of my life. There’s been moments where I want to choke her and there’s been moments when I thought I wouldn’t be friends with her forever but I never ever wished that she wasn’t in my life. Every time something happens, she’s there taking my side.

There’s Annamarie who has been there for about a year and a half now. Her and I have a sort of love hate relationship but the good thing about us is that we let each other know. We’re not frienemies, you know? I like our honesty and our ability to laugh it off when things get tough. I like that when I think I’m absolutely done with her, I come running right back for one reason or another. I like that no matter how many fights we have, when we make up, it’s as if nothing ever happened.

Then there’s Jessica who I have been iffy about more than just once. She’s been there for about 2 years. The thing is, she comes and goes and that’s the honest situation. She’s such a good girl, though. I don’t think I know anybody who’s so nice, yet so bitchy when it’s necessary. I like that she’s strong and has to work hard for everything she gets. I like that she’s mature and I like that she doesn’t let her past affect her as much as it would if she was any weaker. Truth is, she’s someone I admire and enjoy talking to.

Then, of course, there’s Alexis. He hasn’t been around for as much as my friends have but he’s been around long enough for me to want him around much longer. I don’t think that I’ve ever experienced a love more pure than what I have with him. He’s like my family, he’s my best friend. My most loyal friend. 

To be honest with you, it’s rare for me to even want to commit to anything permanent because I’m so afraid of the permanent not being so. But if I can be damn sure about anything is that lately, I’ve been feeling like my relationships with these people are so solid that I’m willing to make a commitment for forever or something close.

i had a feeling our friendliness wouldn’t last long. Just one question: Where you just there for the show?

I want to be thinner but I fear that exercise will only make me gain muscle and look bulkier. The only way is to stop eating but if I do that, I will get sick since the doctor already warned me. I don’t want to put any stress on my family by getting sick. I just want to be thin and delicate. I just want to feel more cutesy and feminine but I can’t with these fat arms and thighs. I seriously don’t even take photos or look in the mirror anymore. If I look in the mirror, I only look shoulders up because everything else just pisses me off. It isn’t like I’m trying to starve myself because knowing the consequences really freaks me out now. I just wish there was a way to lose weight without all the pain I went through before. 

Let’s talk about love…again.

Well tomorrow (in exactly 13 minutes) I will have been dating Alexis for 8 months. Honestly, I cannot even believe that I have given 8 months of my life to somebody and even less, that I am willing to share so much more with him. Over and over, i think, “this isn’t me” or “what am i doing?!” I’m actually in love. Love is something I never took seriously because love, to me, was never real. When I met Alexis I told myself that I was gonna date him but I never expected it to turn into this. What started off as a baby crush has turned into the most real thing that I have ever felt. 

Suddenly all of those cliche quotes about love make sense to me. All of the movies seem more like a possibility than a fantasy. I can’t say that it has been roses and chocolates all along but even our bad moments are wonderful. I’ve never known somebody inside and out and felt so much love for every flaw and imperfection.

I used to think that love was always feeling butterflies or weak at the knees when he accidentally touched my hand. I always thought that love was defined by that crazy adrenaline rush caused by our first kiss. Being with him has taught me otherwise. What I feel for him now is so much deeper than anything I’ve ever felt before. So much care and admiration and complete and utter trust. 

I always felt that there was something wrong in my relationship because he and I get along so well. We never ever fight and if we do, it’s over something mediocre. We’re both individuals and are able to share our completeness with each other. We both trust each other completely. I honestly feel like there isn’t anything that could ever break us apart.

I don’t know if this is it for me, but I sure as hell would want it to be. With him, I don’t envision a big fancy wedding but rather our life together. I don’t think about complications, ever. Being with him is my escape to everything else that I’m dealing with in the world. Sleeping next to him makes me forget my fears of the dark and other things that keep me up at night.

I don’t know what I would do now if I ever lost him and I will always do all that I can to keep that from happening.

MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP.

8 months and I’m still gay for you.

I love you. A lot. A lot c:

You’d think I’d still deserve some respect after all the times I’ve been there for you.

Guess not.

One thing I know for sure is that the conflict isn’t coming from my part.

I feel like a lot of things shifted today but I feel at peace with myself for the time being. I don’t know if I’m going to change the way I feel tomorrow but I feel like I did back in ‘09. Lilly and Jessica are back in my life and we can have those fun Taylor Swift  sing-alongs that we all miss so much, I feel at peace with my relationship, I feel like I’m familiar with myself and that makes me happy not to mention, brings me a bit of confidence.

This is what I’ve been wanting for so long and I really hope it lasts more than just a day.

Let me first say that the reason that this is on this blog and not in your inbox is merely because I doubt this is a message you’d be interested in receiving. These are things that I have to get out of my system and so I will put them here. 

A lost friend hurts. A friend who is lost but doesn’t admit to being lost, hurts a little bit more. But a friend who is lost at no fault, for no reason, is just confusing. Can you guess where you are at this point? The fact that you are going through a difficult time is more than clear to me due to the way that you have been acting. The idea here, is not to fix things. At least not if you are unwilling to, which it is clear to me that you are not.

However, while you’re pushing me away, you’ve lost somebody very dear to you and you know that. Who has been there for you through it all? Who was the only person to stay when everybody else walked out? 

You know, you always annoyed me on this website but the friendship you and I shared let me rest assured that this was not who you are. Now that we haven’t truly been friends for weeks, this is all I have to see from you and it worries me. Posting about doing drugs, implying eating disorders, mental disorders, and hinting towards the fact that you hurt yourself in some way. All for what? Is it a confession or should I assume it is a call for attention? I always wished that you’d confide in me with your deepest concerns and weaknesses for I have always been more than willing to heal your heart. I used to think that you did that so I did the same with you. You know more than anybody. You know more than I even know myself and lately I feel like I don’t know much of you at all.

You called me your best friend first and I took the invitation but what is taking that honor if the honor isn’t given in the end? Do I miss you? No, not the way that you are acting now. Do I miss the friendship I thought we had? Yes, absolutely. 

I hesitated in posting this and a part of me hopes that you don’t read this. I’d feel like a total loser to know that you did and didn’t give a fuck. Hence why it’s on my personal and not my usual blog. 

I’ve been trying to figure out what I have done to make you push me away and frankly, I cannot come up with anything. I’m starting to understand her; the person you hurt you most. I’m starting to understand why it was so difficult for her to get close to you, to see through you. Although I thought I could, now I see clearly that I was obviously mistaken. I feel that frustration and I feel a little bit betrayed. I’m not hurt because in my current state of mind, I do not need you. I just feel humiliated and I feel this satisfies you. 

Don’t worry, I’m not going to hurt you like she did. I’m simply going to walk away. This time, I’m not looking back at you.

Thank you for everything I thought you did for me.

I guess it’s time for the teenage self-pitty/hatred convention and I will be attending this year.

woop.